Hateful Chains

The Cycle

My life is made of seasons, an on-going cycle of highs and lows that can significantly affect my creative processes. Recently I wrote a diary to reflect on just that phenomenon and to maybe find out what's behind it. When I started I thought the cycle was closely linked to all kinds of projects I'm working on. More specifically I thought the lows were due to projects ending and not having a new one in sight. While writing I realized that wasn't the whole truth of the matter.

I think there are several factors that influence the occurrence of these fluctuations. Projects ending is just one of them. The other obviously significant factor is everything that is happening in my personal life: relationships, work, social networks, money-issues... everything that creates stress and eats away of my creative capacity. On the other hand, when everything is stable and working out, there's more room for creativity.

Then there's the hormonal cycle. I'm not kidding, and not claiming it's the same for every woman out there. Some people even say there's no such thing as PMS. For me it's physical reality. Physical in the sense that not only my emotional state, but also vigor and strength varies in accordance of the hormonal cycle. Some days before and during menses I feel exhausted and slow. At the beginning of the new cycle I feel energetic and powerful.

The hormonal cycle is a normal part of life and it doesn't affect me in the extent of incapacitating me. The hardships of personal life are a normal matter too. Of course sometimes those hardships are the trigger to a low-season, especially if there are many problems adding up. But if the low continues and starts to incapacitate, there's a problem.

What I realized when writing the diary, was that my ups and lows might be an independent cycle. Sometimes the downs are triggered by something, sometimes they just appear out of nowhere. Getting up from a low takes time and there's not much I can do about it, except rest. During a low I'm able to perform the normal tasks of life, work and house keeping, but I don't have the energy to socialize or to create anything new. On the contrary, when at the highest point, there's no stopping me. New ideas form in my head, new projects start, old ones keep going at a steady pace.

The cycle is manifest not only in creativity but also in my emotional state. It's quite obvious: When up, I'm joyful, energetic, even restless. When down, I'm depressed and not able to enjoy much of anything. It's starting to sound like manic-depression, or bi-polar disorder... But I don't think it's that serious for me, at least not yet. What worries me though, is that the low- periods seem to last longer than before, and longer every time.

 I've been in the low for a long time now, and an all time low at that. But gradually I'm seeing signs of liberation. Some new ideas, some rays of sun light, some inspiration from friends and colleagues. I think I'm getting there...

It's my keyboard, Korg Trinity